Why Your Business Exposes the Truth About Your Boundaries Episode #72

Samuel: Hey world, welcome back to another episode of Be Inspired Podcast where we're inspiring you to live the abundant life you deserve. So I got another author, some guests on the line, Kristan Swann. And before we get into it, what if the life you're living isn't actually the life you chose? What if some of the goals you're chasing, some of the beliefs you have about success, some of the expectations you placed on yourself weren't even yours to begin with? At some point, Most of us learn how to become who the world needs us to be. But what happens when you finally stop, get quiet, and ask yourself, Who am I when I stop performing? Today's conversation is about curiosity, identity, self-trust, and the courage to come home to yourself. Because maybe finding yourself isn't about becoming someone new. Maybe it's about Remembering who you were before everyone told you who you should be. So let's get into it. Kristen Swan is a business coach, turned life and spiritual guide devoted to helping people come home to themselves. After years spent guiding entrepreneurs and leaders to build successful businesses, she now uses that same strategic insight to help build lives that feel deeply aligned with who they are. Welcome to the call, Kristen.

Kristan Swan: Thank you so much, Samuel. I'm really, really excited to dive into our topic today and this is, you know, these are things that I have lived myself and I am still figuring

Samuel: Mm-hmm.

Kristan Swan: it out. So I like to also be, you know, when people hear that you're a guide or a coach or this, it's like, somehow you must be, you know, you've you've got it all figured out and it's like, nope, nope, nope.

Samuel: You have all the answers, yeah.

Kristan Swan: I think so often we are you know, our our clients might be looking at us to provide this roadmap, right? That is the series of steps, you do this and you'll get here. And I think the thing that I've learned both in my own journey, which has been very twisty and turny, But also just in working with other people is first you've got to start with great questions, right? And so one of the things that I learned quickly as a business coach, and it still is very applicable to the work that I do today, is talk to me about what your definition of success is, right? I mean that is talk about a kind of accepted belief or an inherited belief. That's that's a that's one that I think a lot of us have is what we think success should look like. And I'm not sure how many times we've asked ourselves what is what does success mean to me? And and I think it also changes over time too, right? Depending on your life stage. So it's it's not it's not It's not a one-and-done. It is a question that can be revisited. And you will continue to get really good information.

Samuel: Yeah, I I agree with that because the definition of success, for example, you may want a million dollar home and for somebody else, they're just good with a five hundred thousand dollar home. So it does depend, but social media has created this visual of what successful should look like, you know? so yeah.

Kristan Swan: Right. Yeah. And it it's and I think it I mean it's it is challenging because there is when we kind of see what's being shared on social media and these all these different platforms you know, there is a sense that if you can mimic that, that there is belonging for you, right? And because I think so much of our desire for success can be informed by how comfortable we are with our our the space that we hold up in this this or hold in this world. And so once To be accepted and wanting to belong and wanting to to essentially have other people like us can be such a powerful motivator for ignoring our own wisdom and our own knowing about what our successful life looks like.

Samuel: So I know you started off and you said you're not the expert, but you've been through a whole bunch of different experiences. So you've gone from landscape design to business coaching to leadership development and now also life and spiritual guidance. Looking back, was that a series of career changes or were you slowly becoming more of yourself?

Kristan Swan: Yes and yes. I it was very much an evolution and a process of me taking the time, being willing to sit with myself and get to know who I was because so much of my early years, so many of my early years were spent just either trying to kind of blend in, right, again this idea of wanting to belong and and to just kind of keep moving, right? I had this sense that if I if I stopped or if I slowed down that that in and of itself was an indicator of failure, right? or that that it wasn't so much that I was missing out, but it was more this sense of of I I'll be behind. you know, I'll I'll fall behind. And so I just, you know, I was just like kept going from one thing to the next and that does not always from my experience, that does not always lead to the most thoughtful choices, right? it leads to lots of life experience. so I'm grateful for that for sure. But it does it can mean that you end up saying yes to things that maybe are not truly in alignment with who you are and also who you are wanting to become.

Samuel: Yeah. And you you mentioned just what's in alignment w in alignment with who you are. So was there a moment when you realize I'm successful at this but this isn't completely who I am anymore?

Kristan Swan: Yeah, I mean the pivot for me from business coaching to or from landscape design to business coaching was one of these big moments where I had I'd literally started a landscape design business because I my neighbors kept asking me for advice. What should I do here? What should I do here? Because I had done some work in my own yard. And you know, I at a certain point I was just popping over and helping my neighbors and giving a few suggestions and it was just happening with increased frequency and it was taking up more and more of my time and I thought, well, I'd let's start a business out of this and I had no idea how to start a business at all. Not I had never I mean I had as a little kid I had been entrepreneurial, like reaching out to the neighbors that I knew who were going on vacation and things like that, but at like a f a business, no. So I essentially start this business because other people have told me that I am good at this thing. Right? And it's not that I didn't enjoy it, but it's was it my You know, reason for being? Yeah, I'm not so sure. I mean I was creative and I liked being outdoors, so it did it checked a lot of boxes. But what I realized after a good amount of time doing design work is that I started to get to know other landscape designers and I was l interacting with these people who were so amazingly creative and their knowledge of plant material was so incredible and the way that they thought about space and all of this and I and then I would learn more about their businesses. And I'd be I'd be a little bit shocked, frankly. I was like, you are holding yourself back. And that's when I thought what I love more specifically, is I love shepherding other people on their journey towards success. And so it was a real head scratcher for a lot of people. They were like, How are you why do why do you think why are you doing business coaching? And why are you leaving this one industry and you're going into this completely different industry and all this stuff? And and it was it was not a comfortable transition for me, but I had to do it because I had that awareness of what really lit me up of supporting other people was just I couldn't ignore that.

Samuel: Yeah. So you couldn't ignore that, right? So you've worked with entrepreneurs and leaders for a number of years. What did you learn about people by watching them build businesses?

Kristan Swan: your business will reveal so many things about who you are, way beyond kind of the narrow scope of your professional persona. Right. It will your business as an independent business owner and at and in the most most of my clients were business founders, so this was they had started this business. I mean it's gonna kick your butt because it is going to bring up kind of everything. It is gonna bring up how you feel about money. It's gonna bring up kind of your boundaries, right? Especially if you have employees or you are working with clients, right? It's I mean, it is it is there are not these distinct per people within us, right? We are our whole selves. And so one of the things that I noticed very early on in my business coaching is how often people we would you know, my clients, we would talk about, okay, what's the vision? What's how do what are our goals? What are how do we get there? What are our, you know, all these different strategies and things like that. And then I would do the check-in. And it was it was clear that there had been choices that were made not in alignment with the stated goal. And really it in in opposition many times, right? I mean some people, for instance, you say that you want to you want to grow your business and you want to grow it in terms of your profitability. Well you know, I had one client for instance who knew that at a certain point you there a certain type of client did not generate that much revenue. And in fact, kind of it was like an inverse proportion where they took more time and produced

Samuel: Mm-hmm.

Kristan Swan: less revenue. Whereas but yet so we would talk about okay, we're gonna focus on this segment of the market for you. And then I'd do the check-in and I'd be like, so how's it going? And we'd talk about the new clients they just took on and they had taken on, you know, a bunch of these little little clients. And there is a way to build a business that way but that's not what we were doing and poppy shh and and so much of that pattern of saying yes

Samuel: Mm-hmm.

Kristan Swan: So much of that pattern was a lot of times not not a conscious pattern for my my clients and was really driven by kind of old stories, stories of s scarcity, stories of well I want people to like me, right? So I don't want to say no. even kind of I want to be a good person, right? That somehow by focusing on a a very specific segment of the market and excluding people, you know, just doesn't makes me feel like a bad person, kind of thing.

Samuel: Yeah.

Kristan Swan: And and so really what was fascinating and meanwhile I'm doing the same thing in my personal life. I've got these patterns of behavior that are completely in contradiction to my vision of my life. And It really was I mean, I'm so grateful for this experience with my clients to shine the light on what I needed to learn too and is to get that awareness around those patterns that were so deeply ingrained that they they they're hidden in plain sight.

Samuel: Yeah. And I can relate to a few things that you said, especially the boundaries thing, because at one point I was recording episodes all every every day of the week. I was like, no, this ain't gonna work. So now I'm like, I set my scheduler to once a week and that has been a relief. So I'm not being overwhelmed. So that is that is true. Boundaries are important. Your business teaches you about boundaries and You gotta learn and respect them. So thank you for sharing that.

Kristan Swan: Well thank you for sharing that great example. Yes. And it's you know, but I I think I could relate to that specifically as it relates to podcast, right? Because we met on PodMatch and when you first sign up there's this kind of this opportunity to to overdo it essentially and

Samuel: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Kristan Swan: and having to you know there's that that thing that gets that gets kind of triggered in a good way that they you know they want me they want me and you know you picked me this is so great and so then you just end up doing way too much and I for myself it's like I yeah now I know What the the appropriate rhythm is in terms of scheduling my week and how many conversations I can have because I want to be fully present and I want

Samuel: Yeah.

Kristan Swan: to be I I know that having a great conversation like this is so much more satisfying for me and hopefully for you and your audience than 10, you know, kind of just staff.

Samuel: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you you get to pull out the actual conversation and you're not as the host not overwhelmed or thinking about everything else, you know?

Kristan Swan: Yes, yes.

Samuel: So how much of life we call our choice is actually made up of expectations we inherited from other people?

Kristan Swan: Whew, well, I know for me, that is something that I still work on, for sure, right? And and I do feel like I have made significant progress because earlier in my both my childhood and then early adulthood, so much of what I was doing and my focus and my time was spent on these things that mattered to other people and I never took the time to even think does this matter to me and some of them did matter to me like I I really enjoyed school and school for me was fun and I liked taking different courses and I liked doing well and I liked you know having a a relationship with the professor or the teacher and and getting to know them and why they were interested interested in it. So there were things I'm not saying when I when I talk about kind of this this set of inherited beliefs or or kind of acquired stories that we have, that they're all that we need to throw them all out, right? It's just I what I am saying is get curious about which ones are really you know, fit into who you are and who you want to be. And so the I think that that for me it it really had so much to do with slowing down. Right and reflecting and journaling. And journaling in a really intentional way. 'Cause as a little kid I was I had little diaries and I would do the blah, you know, just write and I'd do little pictures and stuff like that. And which is entirely appropriate for that age. However, as I got older, I think One of the things I love about the journals that I've created is that they do have a structure and a framework which helps me continue to to check in with myself and and continually kind of asking myself in a in a very gentle way, like what's working? What's what's what's not? What's what do we have to, you know, kind of maybe think about a little bit more deeply.

Samuel: Talk to me a little bit about the journal and journaling and how is it important for your success? Because me as a therapist, I I recommend journaling a lot and it has helped a lot of clients. So what is your thought process about that?

Kristan Swan: Yeah. Well when I when I'm speaking about journaling, I'm specifically speaking about putting pen to paper. So that for me is a really important part of the discipline because That is forcing me to slow down, right? It's it is I can only write so fast. I mean, even if I d am willing to let it be completely un illegible, I can really only physically write so fast. And Taking my thoughts and putting them into words is also just kind of a cognitive slowdown, right? I have to start organizing my thoughts a bit. And whereas if I'm and I love meditating, but it's sometimes I mean with the meditating, it's like, ooh, there's a whole lot of thoughts going on up there, right? And and it it can be pretty challenging for me to slow those down. So So the so that pen to paper I think is so good and and it also brings kind of a wholeness because it is this I'm thinking, I'm checking in with my heart, and I'm also physically engaged in this activity. So I I feel like it's kind of bringing all those elements together for me.

Samuel: Okay.

Kristan Swan: And and I'm not actually a big I don't do a lot of reading past journals. mostly in part because the way that I've organized my journaling practice, I'm doing it daily. And I'm at this point too, I think, you know, this is a process that I've been doing for quite some time. I'm I'm I'm actually noticing things pretty pretty quickly.

Samuel: Yeah.

Kristan Swan: Yeah.

Samuel: Okay. So how do we know a story we're telling ourselves has become a prison instead of our source of identity?

Kristan Swan: Who yeah. Well, it's interesting. I'll so I when people ca used to ask me, you know, who are you? My first my first response to that was to name all the different ways that I served others. So I'm a daughter, I'm a granddaughter, I'm a wife, I'm volunteer. I'm, you know, a friend, I'm an employee or I'm a business owner, right? It was it I because the story that I had in my head was that just me, Kristen, that's not enough. that I that I I need to have all of these other places where I can be of service to other people in order to to have value.

Samuel: So finding yourself in service was one of the biggest things.

Kristan Swan: Yeah, and and I so I I think that you know I think the the prison that I had created by this idea of this identity that was informed by all of these labels based on my association with friends and family, was a very socially acceptable one, right? And most of the time it felt pretty good 'cause I could be a a good daughter or I could be a good wife. For good mother. However, the flip side of it is when I didn't live up to my own expectations or the expectations of others. Then just as I actually it even more devastating is when I was the bad mother or the the bad wife, right? And and so to have that identity. be so attached to that story of being in service to others was limiting and and it it didn't allow for me to s to kind of be okay with who I was, the the

Samuel: Mm-hmm.

Kristan Swan: the good parts of my personality, the you know the less desirable parts of my personality, the the fact that all of these pieces can exist in one person and that that's absolutely Okay, it's better than okay. It's it's the essence of being human.

Samuel: Yeah. Tell me a little bit about coming home to yourself and how you came up with that.

Kristan Swan: Yeah, well home is really a a big concept for me. Just it a and what I mean by that is I moved a lot as a child. a lot. And mostly in the same area. However, being a little kid, That usually meant getting used to a new part of town, right? Because your world is pretty small as a little kid, so the five blocks around you. And leaving friends and having to make new friends, leaving schools and starting new schools. So this idea of home for me is so precious in a way because I was it just always felt like things were changing as I grew up. And and I will say that my mom 'cause I lived with my mom most of my parents divorced when I was about four or separated when I was four and so my mom would owe every time we moved she would make a a big effort to to do my room first and make it cozy and nice and I was an I am an only child so there's just me and as soon as I could I was like I I wanna have my own house, I wanna have it this way, I wanna and I had all these ideas and I will tell you that after my first divorce or my I I've been divorced twice, So my first husband is the father of my children and he felt very strongly that he did not want to leave the home that we shared when I asked for a divorce. And I was really resistant to that because this was my home. This was this place that I had finally been able to kind of create this space that I felt like was really mind and that reflected who I was and that I could welcome other people into and and I will say it was so difficult but it was so I'm so grateful for this lesson is that I had to move out. he was not gonna move out. So I had to move out and I found a a little cottage and I made a home. And I realized that the home had nothing to do with all those things that I thought, right? It didn't have to do with being two stories or a certain size, right? It didn't have to do with any of that. It had to do with really the love that I infused a space with. And so when I think about this concept of coming home to yourself, it's like Our wisdom, our knowing that that love that we can have for ourselves, that self-love, which I do think is real and important. is just waiting for us to to stop trying to put all these external pieces together, right? It really just is about sitting back and being with all the parts of yourself.

Samuel: So you finally start trusting all the parts of yourself, came home to yourself. What happens

Kristan Swan: Yeah.

Samuel: when you finally trust yourself enough to disappoint someone else?

Kristan Swan: gosh, well I still hate disappointing people. it's like that doesn't ever go away. However, what I will say is I have a very different take on it because I think that even that idea of disappointing someone else has a touch of hubris to it because You know, what I realized in my my urge, my compulsion at times to say yes to everyone, right, and to not disappoint them is that sometimes I wasn't showing up fully, as we talked about, when you've got too many guests and you're trying to do too much of that. so I wasn't showing up fully. Sometimes I would also bring a set of expectations to this thing because I wasn't doing it just for the pure act of giving or just out of the pure enjoyment of my heart. It was I'm I have to do this. So then there was kind of this weird expectation thing that would go on and I could sometimes get a little resentful and then that's not necessarily how I want to show up, right? And so then I start feeling bad about that. And what I What I realized is even more importantly is when I take the time to figure out if I'm really saying yes to something that is in alignment with me and that I can show up fully for. That's great, because then that thing gets all of my attention. But when I'm saying yes to something that is not quite the right fit, I'm actually taking the opportunity from someone else who is probably an amazing fit for this thing. So this idea, I think there was this this concept that gosh, I'm gonna have to say yes because n you know, who else is gonna do it? Right? And I mean, I laugh at myself for thinking that way. It's kind of embarrassing because it's like, my gosh, there are so many other people who are gonna do this and they're gonna do it so beautifully and so differently and so wholeheartedly. that please say no to things. And it may disappoint in the moment, but also trust that the the right person is out there, you know, to to fill that position or to or to do whatever task that is.

Samuel: Okay. So I got a few more questions for you.

Kristan Swan: Yeah.

Samuel: What is the difference between changing your life and changing the story you tell about your life?

Kristan Swan: Yeah, I feel like changing the story that you tell about your life is a way for you to inform future choices for yourself that are more in alignment with who you are. And at the same time, it allows for at least in my experience, it has allowed for me to to release myself from some of those stories and and also not allow the story to be limiting or defining, right? So if I'm if I'm changing my relationship to how I'm how I've internalized a certain story I first have to start with some curiosity. I have to be willing to ask and investigate a little bit and think about think about it from someone else's perspective, right? Think about it just g in context. Like give give it some context rather than it be this edict, right? Because once you start getting to know the or and it's not that you can get to know every bit of a past story, right? But once you start to even ask the question of, well how did, you know, got how did my kid's dad feel about this? Right? What where was his heart in this moment? You know, kind of and and being willing to think You know, in the instance of of not wanting to move out of the house, you know, my story that I put around that was, he didn't even like that house. I can't believe he's just doing this to be spiteful, right? And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. I actually can step back now and say he was devastated. I mean, I we were we were both devastated. We both didn't necessarily want this thing yet did not know how to move forward. I mean, and he's he's trying to protect his kids in the in the one way he feels like he can do it in this really hard time. And so when I can when I'm just willing to say there is more going on. than you know, him trying to be spiteful. And then I can Then I can think more compassionately, I can think more both for myself and for others, right? And so then I can be making choices, as I mentioned, that again, whether it's you know, being worried about disappointing someone, but yet knowing in my heart that a no is really the right thing. so I can th then w start weaving these pieces together instead of having these stories be these these, you know, essentially bars right to my own prison.

Samuel: Yeah. Awesome. So we're wrapping up. So what is one thing that you thought, Kristen, that I would have asked but I didn't ask?

Kristan Swan: I think I wondered if we were gonna talk about I mean, I veered us off in a different direction, but I I originally I thought we would speak directly to why self-discovery is such a key tool for entrepreneurs and business owners. And we talked a little bit about that there is not this this clear separation, right? And that you really bring your whole self. But I I thought we would be a little bit more on the nose about kind of the value to any endeavor. business, parenting, your education, whatever it is, the the value of that self-knowing and trusting yourself, right? And trusting it doesn't mean that you've got it all figured out at all. All it means is that you can trust yourself in this moment taking one step, one choice at a time.

Samuel: So t tell us a little bit about that self discovery piece that you wanted to talk about.

Kristan Swan: Yeah, well I you know, I going back to this idea of being willing to ask yourself what is your definition of success and being honest, right? if we're speaking specifically to entrepreneurs who are thinking about starting a business, you know, is your definition of success that you have you say you have a family and that you've got time with your family. Okay, so let's build that into the business that you are creating, right? I mean, I the thing, especially for people who start their own businesses, I would, you know, that was my client base, is I would say to them, because they'd kind of be mimicking some blueprint that they thought they, you know, some map that they they found and they thought this is the way to do it. And I would always say, Well maybe some of that, yes. However, this is your own business. Like make it the way that it works for you. And and having that conviction in yourself and trusting yourself, that I believe is the real secret sauce to success. And And that is available to people who have taken some time to get to know who they are.

Samuel: So Kristen, I want to thank you for coming on the podcast and sharing your heart, sharing your thoughts and your experience. guys, if Krista said anything that resonated with you, go ahead and comment below and let's have a conversation about what insights you got, whatever resonated with you, let's have a conversation. And until next time, thank you all for watching. Thank you everyone for subscribing, commenting. And I appreciate everyone. So until next time, we're gonna see you on the next episode of Be Inspired Podcast. We're inspiring you to live the abundant life you deserve. Take care.